Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
😅😅😅
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive