“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.