My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
No. He’s not coming out to play
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—