Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work