Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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(人__つ_つ
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
New tinder profile pic
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*