Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
ok this is my dumbest yet
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.