These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.