The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
You Might Also Like
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.