Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”