enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
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my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.