2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time