In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.