I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Don’t tell me what to do
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.