Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.