Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me driving through Toronto
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog