My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”