Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Life hack
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.