It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
You Might Also Like
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl