I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
You Might Also Like
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair