It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
britain’s three elite institutions
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.