ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
S M O L
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
why no one uses midhusbands
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun