tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.