Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.