KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
October already? What’s next? November????
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake