IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I…do not understand how electricity works.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia