Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Close call…
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Happy thanksgiving!
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…