The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
the answer was staring at me all along
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.