Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record