[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’ll be mad as hell!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”