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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
How about daylight saves us for once
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.