My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
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ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Hard not to take this personally
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!