I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us