Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
i choose….tongue
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”