Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.