[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.