is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.