tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.