Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.