You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle