Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.