Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.