Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.