* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁