I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot