Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
#Thanos #MondayMood