I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking