explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You are what you delete.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Best spoiler warning ever
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.