“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
How your email finds me
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Finally, an explanation.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.