{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
You Might Also Like
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
It’s the weekend y’all
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.