mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
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My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.